Bullying

So I've seen the status probably a hundred times - but just the other night a friend reminded me about it. So I decided that I wanted to give my thoughts, because sometimes someone's personal thoughts instead of the generic 'copy and paste me' status gets more attention.

The status was about bullying and it read like this "The girl you just called fat? She has been starving herself & has lost over 30lbs. The Boy you just called stupid? He has a learning disability & studies over 4hrs a night. The Girl you just called ugly? She spends hours putting makeup on hoping people will like her. The Boy you just tripped? He is abused enough at home. There's more to people than you think."

In school we learn about bullying and what kind of impact that can have on people. Our parents taught us that making fun of poeple was wrong. But until you actually experience that hurtful comment or painful stare of disapproval it never really becomes real. 

The worst part is when you believe it - and start bullying yourself. You hear something enough times and it becomes fact. You look in the mirror and that comment is all you can see. You lay down at night and WISH that that one thing could be changed. Now everyone has something about them they want to change. But it's different when you tell yourself you want to change something. It's aboslutely terrible when someone else says it to you. 

It doesn't even have to be a straight up "you're fat" or "your'e ugly" it can be the types of comments that you may not even notice. Things like "Oh wow, I didn't realize you can't shop in the juniors section." or "you look like a mess today" can really hurt a person. 

Just something that I wanted to get out. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words wil ALWAYS hurt me." 

You win some, you lose some....

A quick update on life: “you win some, you lose some.” Right now it feels like a lot of battles are being lost. It’s not very much fun to say “Hey, you’ll get it next time,” or  “Just one more point and you would have had them.” I don’t want to win or lose. I want to play the game.

Playing the game isn’t about scoring touchdowns, making baskets, or completing the perfect shot. It’s about making those touchdown moments last, cheering each other on, and getting up when you feel like you’ve fallen down. It’s about learning to work together, build each other up, and using your gifts to do your BEST.

Life is kind of like that too. I always hated the cliché talk about how life is like a sport. But really if you think about it, it is… It is always going to feel like if you’d given that little extra push, you’d have done better, felt better, BEEN better.

Today I went golfing, with an AMAZING friend. She and I probably shouldn’t be allowed near the golf course at the same time, because we tend to get crazy – mostly frustrated, but we have fun. I decided that while we were out there, it wasn’t so much my score that mattered to me. Sure that first 9 holes was amazing. Felt like I was hitting everything right. But the second 9, well, lets just say you shouldn’t look at the last 4 holes of the day. Between our frustrations and anger we kept telling ourselves that each hole would get better, apparently that wasn’t the plan, but we kept saying it. Towards the end you get mentally challenged and you really just don’t want to keep playing – but you push through because you know it’s only “3 holes til we’re finished.” Sometimes it’s nice to know the end is in sight!

Golfing today was also challenging physically, it’s been a while since I’ve hit up the course and boy do I feel it tonight. Standing, sitting, laying – it all hurts. But it’s a good hurt, the kind that lets you know you tried. And I did try.

I realized that both in life and golf, you just have to keep taking shots: trying to get better, pushing through the hurt, and moving on to the next shot and opportunity that you get. Coach says that we need to capitalize on every shot we take. I think that means that we have to make the best of everything – not just our amazing tee shot. It means giving it your all, and doing your best. After all isn’t that what God tells us we need to do: to make every effort to commit our ways to him and to strive to do our best for his glory.

Seems like today...

I look back on the last year of my life (seeing as how it's almost my birthday) and realize that there are so many great things that happened... And so many things that I wish I could do over. But as I look back I realized that what happened to me and to those around me isn't necessarily a bad thing - even the bad thing turned out kinda good and okay. And it just shows that "all things work together for good, to those that love God and seek him". Even at the worst of moments I have gained an odd sense of peace and I definitely don't remember having that back in high school or ever during college.

Things used to be a big deal - if I got a bad grade, made a friend angry, or lost my paper it was automatically a life or death situation. There was no fixing it. But over the last year, I have found that I do know how to cope with these situations and many many more. The things in my life that ought to have been a big deal were suddenly doable. Things like amazing friends passing away and my grandmas life threatening illnesses are almost easier to handle knowing that there is a sovereign God who takes care of me, and those around me. God has a plan, and even if I may not like it at times it is those plans that make us who we are and shape our every moment of life.While I never know what is going to happen next, I do have the assurance that it is going to somehow be to my benefit.

Many of the things that have happened have served to bring me closer to my family, my friends, and my God. These are the 3 most important things anyone can have in their life and if you are missing one of them - I'm sorry because you will never experience the joy that comes with being around those that love you UNCONDITIONALLY. Sure family gets angry, friends lose their temper, and people tend to assume the worst until you can prove otherwise - but the great things about it is that they truly get over it and love you anyways, even with your imperfections. And lets not forget how awesome it is to know that someone would DIE for you. Christ gave up his life for those he loves and I know that he LOVES me - always - as wretched and weak as I am. And as often as I'm down, God is right there picking me back up, brushing off the dirt, and giving me the confidence to try again.

My brother is getting married in a week. I couldn't be happier for him. Steph is amazing and I absolutely love her. I'm sooo excited to have a sister! (Just one more person who has to love me no matter what). But I can't help but wonder if I'll ever get that fairy tale ending. Someone who will love me and spend the rest of their life with me because they choose to do so. I want so much to have a family and be a mom and have my own house and kids and the whole works... The cinderella story - I will even take the glass slipper.

Today my brother's friend Jenna and I watched the movie Beastly - honestly one of the best chick flick love stories I've watched in a long time. It was almost encouraging to see (even in movie form) that you can be absolutely hideous but as long as you are yourself people can love you for you. Showing your true colors is the only way people can love you and sometimes figuring out what you can love about yourself is the first step.

I'm not sure what I love about me - most days I look in the mirror and I don't know what I see or who I am. I don't know what to like, but I do know that if I don't start liking what I see why should I expect anyone else to. Love seems to be a two way street. I've heard it described as a give any take. But I don't think that I want to 'take' things from a person - especially when it involves the heart. Another saying is that the more you give the more you get. But I don't really want to 'get' love either. Sure, I want the fairy tale, but I don't want to be unrealistic. Love is putting yourself out there, taking a chance, and praying that you receive that same love back. But loving someone isn't about what you get. It should be about what you give. Just like gift giving at Christmas or for birthdays. It isn't so much about what's inside the packaging, it's about the thoughts and kind words put behind that shiny paper and bow. I could really care less what's in the box, the fact that you thought about me and wanted to give me something (even if it's completely useless to me) is the PERFECT gift. Although if you do get me a present I could really use some new socks ;) just kidding!!!

Well I think I have made this long enough and now it's time for me to get some sleep before working 16 hours tomorrow :/

Life update

So if it weren't for my friend, I would probably forget this thing existed. However he encouraged me to write it all down and let it all out so here goes!

Today was one of those days. You know the lazy, I'm down feeling kinda days where you just don't really want to get up and do anything. The kind of day that makes you just want to cry and you really have no idea why. It wasn't so much that it was a bad day - it was more that I was stressed and tired and had been working too much to even want to pretend I could function.

We've been working in my brothers house and trying to get it ready for him and his future wife to be able to move in after the wedding. It's only a month away!!! CRAZY! I'm so excited for them and it's been a lot of fun to finally get to spend some time with my siblings. I kinda miss talking to them and just hanging out with people. People who understand me and care about my feelings and what I'm going through. It's great to know that people love and care for you!

This week made me laugh, cry, angry, frustrated, sad.. I probably felt every emotion possible this week. There are so many changes happening and I really just wish that some of them wouldn't happen quite so fast! I miss being little and not having to care. But today I sat down at the table and paid all my bills and realized just how grown up I have to be.... and honestly, I'm scared. I don't want to move on and accept the next stage in my life - you know the part of life where you become and adult, live on your own, graduate from college, and have to pay for EVERYTHING by yourself. As excited as I am to move away and start a new chapter, I'm terrified because I hate change.

But in everything that happens I know that there is a plan, a reason, and a time for everything! Nothing happens by chance and whatever does happen is only going to make me stronger. And there are times that I'm going to be down and be mad about things - but those are the times that make you trust and rely just a little bit more. Because in reality that is the only thing that is sure in life.The ever present love of God - because he never lets go. So when all else fails I will just remember that when I feel like I can't go anymore - I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

We're half way there!

So a friend reminded me of my blog, and I decided it was time to do an update :)

We're half way through the semester and life seems to be moving at a rapid pace! We just had spring break. I didn't really get a break, but I met a lot of amazing people and toured parts of Canada and the east coast on band tour. I made some of the most amazing friends, and Niagra Falls in arguably one of the greatest places I have ever been.

This week is social work awareness week. There are a lot of activities and a lot of things to worry about. So on top of all my school work, there is a lot of other activities!

As far as life and school goes, it's pretty much normal. There are a lot of things that I think about, a lot of things that I miss and definitely a lot of tears, and emotions along the way.

I think I cry myself to sleep almost every night. My life is a constant roller coaster of emotions, but I know that everything is for the best. The lives of my family and many others were impacted almost two months ago. That day was a day that I will never forget, nor will I forget the girl who's lives touched sooo many. Trisha Lynn Wood was like a little sister to me and I will never forget her smile, her amazing little giggle, and her wonderful personality. She was one of those girls that wasn't afraid to speak her mind, but who was also everyones friend.

I miss Trisha more than words can describe. There are a lot of things about her life that I will never forget. Most of all I will never forget the relationship she had with the Lord. Trisha spent many hours studying her bible and talking about her relationship with the Lord. Her life was a constant testimony of the Lord living in and through her.

I spent a lot of time asking why, why Trisha, why now, what did she do to deserve this, and why did she have to get taken away she had so much left to do with her life. But that's not the question I should be asking. I should be asking what, how and when. What can I do to make her memory live on and what should my relationship with Christ look like. How can I show the love Trisha had for the Lord and the love that I have for my Savior. And when. When will I get to see her again - because I know I will.

Even in one of the worst moments of my life, I can see God at work. I saw God working in a school full of kids who sat and listened to a few pastors pray, read the word, and come together to lift each other up. I saw God in the sun shine on the morning of the funeral. In the streets lined with servicemen, in the 100s of people in the church, in the eyes of so many friends, through the words of so many parents, in the hearts of Trisha's parents, and in so many other areas of life.

One thing that I will always remember is the words shared with the friends and family on that fateful day. Philippians 4:13 - "I can do all things through Christ, who strengtheneth me."

Love you Trisha <3

Social Work - My Work

I'm sitting here writing about why I want to be a social worker and realized that I needed a place to brainstorm and a place to let you guys know why I want to be a social worker.

Social workers help those who are in need by providing services for those couldn't otherwise locate the services available to them or use their own tools to reach a higher potential. I want to be the person that is there to help, when you feel like there is nothing left, and nowhere to turn to. I want to be the light at the end of a long dark tunnel.

Having dealt with the stress of being a college student - lets make that a BROKE college student. Factor in the fact that I'm constantly worried about something, the lack of sleep, and the ups and downs of being bipolar, having a really high anxiety level. All of these, are the reason that I want to be a social worker.

That may sound strange - I can't handle my own life so I want to help someone elses. The problem isn't that I don't know the answers to a few of my problems. I do. The problem is that a lot of times I choose not to implement them. I choose to avoid the things that I know will help me.

I want to educate, inform, and help those like me, who maybe have a few answers. But don't know how to follow through on them.

Silence

Well.. It's been a month. A month of class. A month of living on my own. And a month of silence.

I originally thought that I was moving closer to campus to be closer to friends. (or to make new friends). I thought I wanted to be around people and be accepted by people and that that meant living on my own. Since moving to Sioux Center. I've realized that I spend a lot of time just being alone. Sitting in my apartment in the quiet. Doing nothing but homework. Oh, sometimes I will spend some time listening to music or watching TV, but even that is rare. I find that I spend so much time reading text books and studying and writing papers that I really don't have time for much else.

I've learned to appreciate the silence and can even say that I love when it's quiet. It gives me time to think. to question things. It also gives me time to listen.

I know - weird right - listen? Listen to what? Listen to the silence. I find that when its quiet and I'm just laying on the bed or sitting on the couch, I hear things. Not like I'm crazy and see people that aren't there - although sometimes I question that too. But I hear things like "You're beautiful the way you're created." "I love you." and "Don't forget about me."

I feel like for a long time I spent a lot of time ignoring those voices. The ones that remind me that I am a child of God and that I have a life in him. Yeah, life here is crazy. I've been through a lot. But I didn't take the time to listen, and realize that whatever I'm going through, God is right there. I just need to seek him out. Praise him in the storm, and listen in the silence. Because His voice is a silent roar, and a constant reminder that I am not alone.

New Beginnings

Hey all,

So yesterday was the first day of class. I thought I was prepared - I found out otherwise. I felt like I was running around and had no idea what I was doing. It was like freshman year all over again. (this ridiculous cold does not help)

I had two classes yesterday and both of them are Social Work Classes. They are in the afternoon which is nice because I can sleep in if I want to - but I haven't really been doing that! I have 3 classes today. Two of them are generals and the other is a night class. I'm kind of nervous about the night class. I think it'll be tough to stay on top of.

But as nervous as I was/am about starting a new semester. I am really excited about it! This new semester brings with it a lot of new changes. I moved to campus housing and have my own apartment! It's really spacious and I love that I have a lot of space and can do what I want with it!

This semester also brings another change. Friends are returning and I'm seeing more and more familiar faces -which is awesome! It's great that my friends can be gone for 9 months and when they're back it's like they never left!

That said. I think the biggest thing that is changing in my life - is my faith. Never have a felt closer to God. To me this is the most exciting thing. I always 'believed' in God. But I never knew what that meant. I had all the text book answers and could probably defend my faith just as well as the next guy. However, that faith was never really mine. To me being a Christian was going to church- twice, arguing if someone didn't agree with you, and living the 'right way'. Now I'm beginning to realize that I need to take the faith that I have been taught and make it my own.

Faith isn't an abstract. It is real. It is here. God isn't someone far away (even though there are times where I might believe that or it may feel like He is nowhere near me.) God isn't just walking beside me holding my hand. No - God is IN me. Isn't that an amazing thought! God is someone who is closer than a brother (and sometimes I don't think that's possible either - I love my brothers :) )

This past week I have seen God work a lot in my life - and in my heart. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. There are a lot of things I'm not proud of. However, just on Sunday we heard in the sermon that while the true believer is going to sin - only they will actually feel guilt and sorrow. Hearing that was such a relief to me. It was something that I needed to hear and it was followed with - But we have hope. He have a hope that is so sure that it's not even really a hope but a blessing. Christ WILL come again, and Christ will be with me until then.

That's all for now - oh and Mom and Dad I know this will make you cry... but I want you to know that I LOVE YOU and thanks for everything :)