I look back on the last year of my life (seeing as how it's almost my birthday) and realize that there are so many great things that happened... And so many things that I wish I could do over. But as I look back I realized that what happened to me and to those around me isn't necessarily a bad thing - even the bad thing turned out kinda good and okay. And it just shows that "all things work together for good, to those that love God and seek him". Even at the worst of moments I have gained an odd sense of peace and I definitely don't remember having that back in high school or ever during college.
Things used to be a big deal - if I got a bad grade, made a friend angry, or lost my paper it was automatically a life or death situation. There was no fixing it. But over the last year, I have found that I do know how to cope with these situations and many many more. The things in my life that ought to have been a big deal were suddenly doable. Things like amazing friends passing away and my grandmas life threatening illnesses are almost easier to handle knowing that there is a sovereign God who takes care of me, and those around me. God has a plan, and even if I may not like it at times it is those plans that make us who we are and shape our every moment of life.While I never know what is going to happen next, I do have the assurance that it is going to somehow be to my benefit.
Many of the things that have happened have served to bring me closer to my family, my friends, and my God. These are the 3 most important things anyone can have in their life and if you are missing one of them - I'm sorry because you will never experience the joy that comes with being around those that love you UNCONDITIONALLY. Sure family gets angry, friends lose their temper, and people tend to assume the worst until you can prove otherwise - but the great things about it is that they truly get over it and love you anyways, even with your imperfections. And lets not forget how awesome it is to know that someone would DIE for you. Christ gave up his life for those he loves and I know that he LOVES me - always - as wretched and weak as I am. And as often as I'm down, God is right there picking me back up, brushing off the dirt, and giving me the confidence to try again.
My brother is getting married in a week. I couldn't be happier for him. Steph is amazing and I absolutely love her. I'm sooo excited to have a sister! (Just one more person who has to love me no matter what). But I can't help but wonder if I'll ever get that fairy tale ending. Someone who will love me and spend the rest of their life with me because they choose to do so. I want so much to have a family and be a mom and have my own house and kids and the whole works... The cinderella story - I will even take the glass slipper.
Today my brother's friend Jenna and I watched the movie Beastly - honestly one of the best chick flick love stories I've watched in a long time. It was almost encouraging to see (even in movie form) that you can be absolutely hideous but as long as you are yourself people can love you for you. Showing your true colors is the only way people can love you and sometimes figuring out what you can love about yourself is the first step.
I'm not sure what I love about me - most days I look in the mirror and I don't know what I see or who I am. I don't know what to like, but I do know that if I don't start liking what I see why should I expect anyone else to. Love seems to be a two way street. I've heard it described as a give any take. But I don't think that I want to 'take' things from a person - especially when it involves the heart. Another saying is that the more you give the more you get. But I don't really want to 'get' love either. Sure, I want the fairy tale, but I don't want to be unrealistic. Love is putting yourself out there, taking a chance, and praying that you receive that same love back. But loving someone isn't about what you get. It should be about what you give. Just like gift giving at Christmas or for birthdays. It isn't so much about what's inside the packaging, it's about the thoughts and kind words put behind that shiny paper and bow. I could really care less what's in the box, the fact that you thought about me and wanted to give me something (even if it's completely useless to me) is the PERFECT gift. Although if you do get me a present I could really use some new socks ;) just kidding!!!
Well I think I have made this long enough and now it's time for me to get some sleep before working 16 hours tomorrow :/
